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cnk91's Blog


Whoops!!

So I accidentally let myself slip. I let myself listen to all his wonderful words and speeches, then I went and let myself feel sorry for him, and then I let myself believe it. I hoped that when he said he would come back home and work on getting this family on the right track, that he was being completely serious. That it was all truth.
Good intentions can hurt so badly. Why don't guys-or people-realize that?! Think before you speak people!!! Really think about what you are saying, and whether or not you are going to want to go through with it. If any doubts, then just don't say anything!! 
It wasn't his fault. He doesn't think about anyone but himself. That's the way he grew up, and no one's ever told him otherwise. But me, I should of been smarter than to just go and believe him. After the heart break I've been through...after begging him to chose this family and being turned down...yeah I definitely should have been smarter. More on guard.
But love, is hard to get over. Just over 2 months it's been. And yes I'm the strongest I've ever been since getting so broken, but that doesn't mean I don't have my weaknesses. Cracks in the armor. He knows me so well. He knew how to get through to me. 
It's not that I'm positive he's lying once more...it's just that I'm back in the same position I was in when he first hurt me. The wanting...the hoping. That'll he'll pick me. I check my phone again and again. I can't stay off Facebook hoping he'll be on. He's calling me by my nickname again. It needs to stop. I need to stop. If he does come home, and does work on the family-then I'll have a reason to think about him like this. But right now, it should still be about me. Me and my daughter. She's due to arrive into this world in 6 short weeks. SIX!!! 
Why the hell am I letting myself worry about him?!
Because I want love. That romantic love story. Yeah, screw that. 
I want my daughter. I want her to be so happy. I want her to see me, strong. Happy. Not worrying over whether or not I got a text from some boy. I don't ever want her to be like me. Dependent. So I need to change that. I slipped up recently. But this wasn't a big deal. It's not as if I gave him all my money this time around. I just gave him a little bit of my heart once more. But I'm taking it right back. Before he does something mean with it. 
He might get it back later. But as of right now...it belongs only to my future daughter. 

Guess Who

Guess who came begging...
Came to finally realize he did wrong...
Finally is understanding just what he is missing out on...
Understanding that the choices he made have created horrible consequences....
Choices that had originally hurt me so much, but now are only hurting him...
Had he just realized this when I was willing to forgive...
Realized now that I deserve more...
That I am better then him...

Yes. My ex, who was the source of all my pain. Who helped me to realize just how happy I could be-alone, now is begging to come back. Loves me more then anyone, ever. Wants to be apart of this family so badly. He was just scared is all, he was wanting to run away. He was only just scared of being a parent. When he cheated, it was him running. After realizing just what he was going to miss out on, he's depressed. He wants to love me, and our baby. MY baby.
She is mine now. 
I always said if he wanted to be apart of her life, he could. But mine? 
I knew deep down he would realize his mistake. Realize and want back in. How could he not? I'm friggin awesome right?! 
I've only been nice to him. Acted as a shoulder for him to cry on. Maybe that was wrong of me...Maybe he doesn't deserve me being nice. But I can't help it. He's been too important to me. He's too important for my daughter. I wish I could tell him to f*** off. But...I can't. 
He's been back here twice. Seen me twice. And I have been looking good. 8 months pregnant, my hair has grown considerably, lightened because of the hormones. I know I look good. I was happy. Am happy. He isn't. So of course he misses me...or course he wants back in. He wants in on this happiness. Who wouldn't?
He wants to be apart of his daughter's life...well of course. But it's going to take more then some sweet words to get back into mine. I don't need him. Maybe want him...a little. But I'm stronger now. I'm not that sad lonely girl who first came to this site. I've grown. And I know what I want in my man. If he can change enough to be that, well great...if not. Then I'm good. 

Being Busy

Helpful right?! 
Getting over the pain of it all-if only I had known before. All I needed to do, was do something! I haven't been sad about it for a moment since forcing myself to be busy. And I always am now! It's overwhelming and bit stressful but better then sitting around missing someone. I haven't been on here in a long time, which I suppose is a good thing. 
I came here to help me get over him. 
Helpful also to have someone else's attention, but mostly I like just knowing that I'm doing well for myself. My baby room is almost complete :) So that is something fantastic to smile about. We spent the entire weekend cleaning out and repainting two rooms to make way for the baby. Her little clothes are up in the closet. We've been planning her baby shower since day one, and now it's getting closer and closer. So there is always more work to do. 
I've been talking constantly with friends, and now somewhat boyfriend, who all love my daughter almost as much as I do.

The father, sent me a text this last weekend, about picking up his things. He sent his brother over for the one little bag of paperwork that I had found for him. Still he's left all of the big things in my mom's garage, and keeps saying he will have his brother come back for them...not sure that is actually going to be happening. But it has to right?!
Then I still don't know how involved he wants to be...honestly I'm not that worried about it. I haven't talked to him since that day I said no contact...I don't even know how long that is. But I feel way better then I ever did. I think I might almost be completely over him. I figured after my next doctor visit I would try and talk to him about how involved he wants to be. That's not till the end of the month so I still have some time to think about just how involved I WANT him to be. Since it mostly depends on me right!? 

True Change

Well I did the hard thing, and told him that we just need complete space. No friendly texts, no more having to see his face online. He seemed sad about it, but completely understanding. That was nice of him I suppose...I won't lie, I had hopes he'd say that he didn't like that idea at all. I hoped he'd fight. But that was silly of me. He hasn't fought for this relationship one day. Not one moment in time did he fight for it. And the reason is.... He Doesn't Want It!!! I don't know why I keep letting myself think differently. 

But this change will help, I know it will. I am already doing so well!! Way better then I ever imagined I would. After 2.5 years of being together completely, I am doing FanTastically with being alone. I don't feel lonely, I don't feel sad, and I hardly ever miss him. The only times I ever did is when I'd see him online, or when he'd message me about once every week. I would think about him, miss him, and wish for having him back. ONLY when I'd have to see him. I can't help but having some regrets about my decision...to defriend him. But I know, that this is the better choice. I can truly get over him this way, and be the person I really want to be!

People on this site are very wonderful. They really helped me into getting over the worst of the pain. So understanding, and welcoming. I do know, that the bulk of recovery will depend on myself. Not my baby, not these people here, not my family-but me. And you know I really do believe I'm doing a good job with that. Being a student of psychology helps! Haha it really does. I know my mind better then anything, and I know what's best for me. It's still going to be difficult, and challenging. Will I really be able to not contact him till the baby gets here?! Now there is no waiting around to hear from him...and for the past 2 weeks I wasn't the one to contact him first, so maybe it won't be as hard as I am imagining it will be. 

Either way...this is how it is right now. I'm proud of myself, and a little sad. Change is hard right?!

Back and Forth

It's like a teeter-totter...some days I can go without one sad thought of him, then other days I can't help but miss him. Seeing his face online doesn't help. I know the best thing for me to do is delete him as a friend, but how can I? He's the father of my baby and he wants to be apart of her life...so I need to be civil. It's just hard you know? Hard to see him everyday. Not even in person-just a picture. Makes me automatically think of our past, and how I am missing him. 
But honestly, I've been doing so much better then I ever imagined! I look back at my old posts and see just how sad I was, and I've made so much progress since then. More then ever I have my stronger moments-stronger days. That's something back when this first happened, I didn't think would ever be.
I actually have a bit of a confession to make...I've been "seeing" someone. And that person helps a lot to get over it all. I know I should try to just be alone, but why? If this other person makes me feel good about myself shouldn't I get to take advantage of that? I don't know... It's not really fair to him, since I still sort of miss my ex. But if I know deep in my heart that I will never, EVER, be with him again-then does it matter that I still have these thoughts of him? 
Thoughts vs. actions...as long as my emotions don't make me DO anything, then I think I should be alright. And by "do" I mean call the ex, tell him I miss him, see him. I can imagine it-although that is only hurting me. No these thoughts aren't daily, because if they were I would have probably already acted on them. But still, even just letting myself imagine those moments-is making it worse for me. 
A teeter-totter. I like that image. It use to be that my emotions would change every hour, but now-since time has passed, my sadder moments are much more manageable. Not a storm, but a playground toy. I'm happier than I have been in a while. Getting to be on my own is nice. I'm doing so well in my classes, and I exercise daily which  gives me a lot of thinking time. I tried re-learning to play the piano, but it was sort of hard...I'll keep trying. Just counting down the days really...till my baby comes.

27 Weeks

It's an awesome thing to think about. I'm going to be a mother in 13 weeks. No I'm still not feeling completely ready for this but I'm happy about it. Every passing minute of every long day brings me closer and closer to meeting my little one. 
I'm not hurting anymore. In fact I hardly ever sit and think about the man who will miss out on so much. I don't know if this means I'm finally moving on, but I'm guessing not. It hasn't hardly even been a month since breaking up. And from what I've read on here, and heard about from others it typically takes longer than a month to get over heart break. But somehow the pain of it isn't nearly the same. It's a wonderful thing to feel. Because even if I'm not completely over him or the hurt I at least know now that no matter what-I WILL get over it. Already I've made so much progress.
Getting my growing butt out of bed each morning and doing something that makes me feel good helps a lot. Taking a trip with my old friends who have some how totally forgiven me for blowing them off for two years makes me want to cry from happiness. This little life inside me makes every day feel like a miracle day for me. Her kicks when I sing to her, talking about her with my extremely proud parents is more than anything I could of ever asked for. 
Night is still hard for me. But I'm getting more tired each day so hopefully I can start figuring out a way to tune out, and get some good sleep. I will need it! Once I have my daughter, sleep will most likely be a gift rather than a goal. I just cant wait to meet her!!

The Baby

She's the one giving me the strength and courage I have to help me get over all this pain HE caused me. Every once in a while that strength falls away...because hurt is very powerful. But always-no matter what-the hurt disappears and I can smile and feel happy again. I'm lonely without HIM maybe, but she is the one to replace him in my heart. He only hurt a little part of me, and although right now and at other times, that little bit feels like a whole LOT the love that she will bring to me, is going to be outstanding. I already love her an incredible amount, so when she actually gets to lay in my arms and not just my stomach that love will be overwhelming!! Overwhelming all the pain and hurt I once felt because of that bad man, leaving only a cherished forever lasting love. 

Just Friends?

So it seems that after everything we've gone through now he just wants us to be friends... I think that's a good thing? I mean from the point of view of my future daughter, wouldn't it be more beneficial to see her two parents being friends, rather than just tolerating one another? I just don't know if emotionally I can handle it. I also don't really know if he does want to be friends. He texted me today, just wanted to know how I was. We talked for a bit but now I'm left wondering what exactly it was all about. Maybe I shouldn't read into it...
I know he is still seeing that girl he cheated on me with, and it hurts me to think about them together. He's trying to keep it hidden from me, and I don't bring it up...but is he hiding it in hopes that I will forgive him and he will get the best of two worlds?? Or is he hiding it so I won't have to feel the pain of him moving on so quickly? I really think he still just doesn't know what he wants....
WHY AM I CARING?! 
After everything here I sit still worried about what he's feeling, how he is coping, what he plans to do...I don't know what the hell my problem is! Lie-I do. I still have that crazy dependent love for him, and that needs to be gone. You know what, we can be friends. I can still care about his life, but never again like I did. I can't keep wondering about him. I need to wonder about me! And my daughter. Plan our future together rather than sit and think about what he is doing. What he does will not affect me, not while he's still unsure about what he wants. I'm beginning to think though that what everyone told me is going to be right....He's going to want back in when the baby gets here. The question for me then, is will I still want him?
I'd like it to be no. Because then whether or not he does decide he wants to be apart of this family-I wont be hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be happy. I don't know if I should initiate conversation next time...I sort of feel obliged to. But, it shouldn't be soon. I need time yet to think about what's best for me. 
Haha. And that seems to change with every passing hour. 


Adele

When you fall in love the songs on the radio that are all about what you're feeling totally makes sense. You really get into all the emotions that you and that artist are sharing. Commitment, happiness, just a whole lot of love. The same goes for when you get your heart ripped out of your chest. I use to love to sing Adele songs. Rolling in the Deep especially. I really enjoyed my voice getting super loud, then going back to the quiet thing it really is. Now, when I sing her songs, I actually pay attention to those words. How could I have ever gotten such enjoyment out of her sorrow? Now that I can relate, looking back at how I sang the song before, seems wrong. Singing it for fun...when I had no idea what she was going through. Not wrong that I would sing it, but wrong that I would sing it without fully understanding her heart break. 
Well...I Do Now! It seems every song she sings has to do exactly with what I am going through right now. He left her for someone else, she put everything she had into that relationship, he just didn't want her. It really sucks. It's almost too hard to listen to her, because everything she says is exactly how I feel. But then again, it's nice to know that I'm not the only person whose gone through this. Which is kind of why I came on this site in the first place. I like to read the stories that are similar-or that were similar but have gotten over their pain. Adele did something amazing. She took her pain, and made millions of dollars off of it. Her story with her horrible boyfriend is told in so many ways...and it's real and they are top selling songs. I'm sure that helped her into getting over her own pain. That's why I still love listening to her music. And why every time Rolling in the Deep comes on I still sing along.
Today wasn't a very good day for me. I'm taking a sexuality class at my college and this weeks chapter was all about Love. It was very difficult for me to read. I couldn't help but think of my guy...so I checked up on his Facebook. Stalker tendencies are apparently, not good for "one's psychological health" (according to my readings). But I just really missed him. I don't text him, or message him. I just look. But that needs to stop. If that means a ban on Facebook for a while, then so be it.
Instead I'll listen to my Adele. Maybe do what she did and write about what I'm dealing with. Here, and on my own. I hope to feel better tomorrow.  
My mood: pretty Alone

New Room New Feelings

So I had originally thought that I would leave his belongings in the room until he came to come get it all. But he decided it would be too hard to move out right now. So, I just let it sit here. Every time I'd look up there would be his huge television screen starring me in the face. Our bed that we shared for the last 2 years, feeling so empty. 
I removed it all. I put it all, everything, in little boxes and put them out in the garage. I had help with the big items, as I'm very pregnant and heavy lifting is looked down upon in my condition. But now, my room is mine. No longer do I have to look at that big screen and be filled with memories of the many movies we watched. Or lay down to sleep and feel the cold emptiness on the left side, where he'd lay.
The room seems bigger. Cleaner. I have all the baby stuff spread out where the TV once sat. That makes me smile :) to see what's ahead. I felt that Frogs, represented my daughter. Lol. Why frogs I don't know. But when I look over at her future wardrobe it's nice not to only have to look at pinks, but greens and yellows too. My little frog. Lol :) She certainly kicks hard enough. Almost feels as if she is jumping around my belly, from one spot to another. Little outfits, toys and books...These are the sights I now get to wake up to every morning, and the thoughts I get to have because of them are only of love. 


Not So Fast

Moving on isn't happening as easily as I wanted it to. I suppose going on his Facebook page to check up isn't helping. I just can't stop the missing. The feelings of missing him they are always there. It's only been a few days now, since the official break up, so I can't expect to move on so quickly...yet according to his page he's moved on just fine. Already he's seeing another girl. 
But no, I can't be concerned about his life. I spent so much time concerned about his life already. This break up was suppose to free me from that-and  someday that's what is going to happen. Everyday I wish I was stronger. More capable of handling this whole being alone thing. I realized for the first time today, just how alone I really am. We did everything together-and even with him moving so far away, I still felt connected. Now, without that connection, I'm beginning to realize that I have no other friends. A few, who also live far away...but otherwise in this town it's just me. So weekends, they are the hardest. I sit in my room, and feel only the loneliness. I try to be strong...but what can make that feeling go away? 
I have different ups, and different downs. Some times I feel like independence is the most wonderful thing in the world. Then other times I would rather give up on all my dreams just to get the chance to lay in his arms once more. Laying down in my huge bed is one of the worsts. There is so much room here...but the person I want to fill it doesn't want me. 
The only thing that reminds me that I'm not alone, is the little kicks from my belly. Right now, and for the next four months I'm going to feel some loneliness. I'm going to have these moments where all I want is him back in my life. But than after that four months, everything will change. I will have my daughter, and never again will I feel lonely. Never again will I feel like I need him in order to feel happy. It just sucks!! To have to wait so long for the pain to go away. I'm lucky though, because if I didn't have her in my belly-reminding me daily that I am not alone-then I really don't know how I'd get through this. Drink I suppose. But I can't do that, so I just have to wait. I was never a very patient person-so, lol I suppose this waiting is good for me. I can learn to be patient before my daughter arrives.

Looking to tomorrow

I thought every day would be hard. I believed that I would be feeling the pain and sadness 24/7. I was wrong. Sometimes I still feel down about being hurt, but I've really gotten the chance to sit back and think about it all. 
I changed for someone, who wasn't willing to change for me. He was the smart one. I was the love crazy fool. I dedicated my life, lol, well 2 years of my life, to his happiness. But what about me? I forgot about what I wanted for myself. I put my hopes and dreams on hold, for him. 
Without him, I can take the time to focus on what I need. What I want. And I want to be happy. I want to sit under a tree and just read. I want to sing every single day. I want to get a good nights sleep. I want to have dreams. I want to take walks, and take pictures of all the things I see. I want to be with my family. I want my daughter to be strong. I want to be a good role model for her. I want to write about my day, and feel proud of what I've written. I want to travel. I want to buy my daughter something special. I want to get all A's this semester. I want to graduate. I want to live on my own, lol, well just me and my daughter. I want to go out, and flirt! I want to make someone smile. I want to talk about my life, without being shy. I want a romantic date, that I didn't have to plan. I want to read to my daughter every night. I want to make faces to make her laugh. I want us, together, to see the world. I want peace of mind. 
These are all things that I have time now, to accomplish. I should of never-Not Ever-put these easy things on hold. But i did. Because he was too busy, and I was too preoccupied with making him happy. Because before, I believed that his happiness was all that I really wanted. Lol. Why? Why would I do that for him, when he was so unwilling to do the same? What in the world was I thinking?!?! He cheated!! He told me he wasn't sure he wanted me!!!! Well, I can tell you all one thing, that I will MAKE myself believe that I don't want him. I don't care how many times I have to write it, or say it but I can promise you-I promise myself, it will be true. I don't want him. You know, I realize that right now, I do still have those love feelings, but I wont always. I know it. Because we just were not meant to be together. We are different. We are, lucky to have met, and had sex. Lol, because that all lead to my daughter. But I don't need him, for anything else now. I don't want him, for anything else now.
I'm not mad at him, i'm just done with him. He will always have the opportunity to be apart of our daughter's life, but not mine. I no longer am hung up on him. I don't want him. 

Change

So, I've been through a lot, in the last few days. 
I'm still not feeling ready for this, this change, but it has to start now. My love, has told me he has changed. He doesn't want the things he wanted in the past. Including me. He says, he once believed we were suppose to be together, but now it's gone. Lol. Crazy. Before I never knew how much I loved him, and how certain I really was that we were in fact, suppose to be together. It took him cheating on me, breaking my heart, for me to realize just how badly I love him. I wanted to forgive him, wanted him to take the time to take back my trust. I begged him. I begged him to talk to me about it...he wouldn't. I begged him to come home, he didn't. 
He would tell me, whenever he did answer, that he did want us to be together. That he did love me still. But then why wouldn't he just come home? Why  couldn't he just take the time to talk to me about it all. Today, well about 15 minutes ago, he finally told me why. He's been scared. Scared to tell me that he's changed. 2 weeks he's been gone, and it's changed him. He doesn't know, whether or not he wants us to be together anymore. He doesn't feel the way he use to. Never mind that we have a child on the way...never mind that he made me believe that our family was something he really did want. Now, today, he is being honest. 
He says if he had wanted to come home, (but he didn't call it home), he would have already. He doesn't understand why I want someone, who so openly doesn't want me. Duh! Ha. Everyone else has been telling me the same thing. I deserve better, I shouldn't be the one trying...but that doesn't make the love go away. Time does right? Just give it time. Excuse my language, but Fuck time. I want to stop hurting NOW. I want to not love him so deeply, and desperately right now!! It doesn't matter that he doesn't want, or love me...because I still love and want him. 
I know, that I will change. I know that how I'm feeling, wont be the same in 4 months, 2 weeks, tomorrow, an hour. But I also know, that this pain, isn't going to fade fast. I was hurt so badly when he cheated, but at least there was still hope for us. Now, I'm hurting again, and now the hope is gone. Lol. That's sort of a lie, because I can't stop that little flicker of the "what-if" going on in the back of my brain, or heart...or soul. Lol, it's there. That's what needs to change. I need to let go of that hope, because it's inevitable. My love, basically told me its over, and still I'm fighting. I shouldn't. Not because he doesn't deserve me to fight for him, but because it really is a lost cause. I sort of wish he could of been more blunt about it. Instead of, "I'm not sure what I want" to "I don't want you." Then, the hope would be gone. Then I would be forced to overcome this, without the hope. He just kept saying, that right now, he doesn't know. 
It's not fair for him to do...and he even said that to me. He doesn't mean to put me through all of this. He just doesn't know what he wants. Do I really know what I want? I do know that my want for him must change. For my future daughter's sake, I can not sit around living in this stress. I need to change. I just don't know how. 

He's mad.

So I did exactly what I told myself, over and over again not to do. Texted him. Then I sent him a message via facebook. Yes, he did finally respond. The reason he didn't answer me before, is because he was mad at me. Mad that i was making him choose between a life with me, and his school work. It's a big sacrifice I know, but really all I wanted was for him to SHOW me that he truly cared for me. That nothing would ever come between us, ever again. That he wouldn't cheat on me, wouldn't go back to his party lifestyle, wouldn't hurt me like he did again. To up and leave his school, yeah, maybe a bit of a stretch. I sat back and thought about why I said that to him. It was because my mom said it. It was her idea, when she came home and saw me balling my eyes out over being cheated on, she said, don't forgive him. Not unless he comes home. So I said  that to him. It wasn't originally my idea. I didn't know what I wanted at the time though. All I could think was, I wasn't good enough. He never really loved me. Those thoughts controlled my every waking moment, so I needed to hear logical thinking from a third party perspective. But maybe I should have thought about it more before I placed the choice before him.
The whole time I thought that, it was a little too extreme. He only has a few more semesters till school is done. He's had such trouble getting into schools in the past, because of how he started off in college. (like I said, party guy). He needs to finish. Then I thought about our daughter, and her future. How would it be, if she only had one parent who had a job paying over minimum wage. It's so hard in this town, for Native Americans to find work...Good work especially. He wouldn't of found work...not work that paid enough to care for the 3 of us. Especially not without finishing his education. So yes, I regret telling him to make the choice between me, and school. I knew he'd say no right away...and if I seriously wanted to consider giving him the chance to earn my forgiveness I can't be giving him ultimatums that I already know the answer to. 
This all, I told him. Didn't seem to matter. He was still very upset with me. Which started to get me mad. He's the one who cheated, he's the one who broke my heart...where does he get the nerve to be mad at me for?! Here I am, basically apologizing for asking "too much" of him, and he sits there thinking he has the right to be mad about it. He cheated. He lied. He did this all while I am sitting at home pregnant with his child. That should be unforgivable. Any stronger woman would just know to drop him right then and there. But I haven't been totally honest... I've done worse than he has. I have, in the past. And you know what, he forgave me. The difference being I didn't exactly physically cheat, but I did tell someone from my past that I still loved them. Which is still cheating I know. So...that is basically the driving force behind me wanting to forgive him. That, and that I love him of course. 
I want him to earn my forgiveness. But he doesn't seem very willing. Idk. Hopefully something changes soon. Because if he waits too long, my trust isn't going to be so damn easy to get back. 

Night is long

I wrote his name into my phone, planning on asking him, if there was still hope. Then i put my phone back down and came here. I want to know. I need to know. Is it breaking the rules for me to ask, just that one question? I'm trying to be strong here, I mean it's only been 2 days since we've spoken. That isn't enough time is it? Will I seem desperate once again to just ask, that one question of him. He never called me desperate, i just feel like I am. And i am yes, but who wouldn't be?! Him, it seems like. He is not desperate to win me back. But I so want him back. I'm sorry me. But I need to do it. Just that one text. I know he wont answer. I know I'm going to regret it later...but I just need to do it. I want to let him know, that I at least, am thinking about him. He must know how much I love him already...so why can't he show me how much he loves me? 
Why did he have to cheat. If he never did that, we'd be so perfect right now. We'd have spent the entire weekend in each others arms. I don't care that he cheated anymore-lie. lol I do care. But what is eating me up inside is that he still hasn't done anything to help me to forgive him. That's ALL I want. Is to forgive him. I want to trust him again, and believe in our love...but he wont do anything to make it happen. I'm so sad, waiting around for something to happen. If he would just tell me. Tell me what he is thinking, I could get over all this. I could either start the journey to move on with my life, or start the journey into learning to forgive him once more. But this middle ground, this not knowing what is going on is torture. Emotionally I'm being torn apart inside. My phone is so apparent in my mind where ever I go. I left it at home all day today, but still, whenever I'd get back, it would be the first thing I check. Everyone thinks i've grown stronger already, yet here I sit, trying to force myself Not to pick up my goddamn phone. I need to. It's so weird, but the feeling I have of needing to text him is coming from my stomach...lol so weird. It's late already tonight, but I don't think I'm going to be able to fall asleep. Every night so far I've stayed up till about 2:30 in the morning, hoping I could just sleep through most of the day time, so I wont have to think about him. But tomorrow I have class at 8 am. So I need to sleep. 
I wrote him that letter today. I ended it with I love you. It stated exactly how he hurt me, and how I wish he'd just Do something to make it up to me. I feel so stupid. Why can't I be as strong as everyone else? They can go weeks without talking to the person who hurt them...some women after being cheated on are even able to just drop the relationship right then and there. Why can't I? I love him too much?? I don't know. Tomorrow my plan is once again not to text him. Also, not to check on his facebook page to see if he has yet to go from in a relationship to single. I'm single on mine, so I wonder if he just hasn't been online. Seems very unlikely, but there still is no recent activity on his page. So stalker-ish I know. But I miss him so much. I just want to know what he's thinking. I'm going to text him tonight. I'm going to ask him if there is still hope. If he still is considering choosing me, and our child. Is it going to far to say that i want him to come home, and earn my trust once more? I don't know. I feel so badly for doing this, when I seemed so strong before. 
But I have to know. Or i just might go crazy. 

Harder and harder...

I've only been up for a few hours. Automatically I turn to my phone, telling myself I'm just checking the time (despite having an alarm clock next to me in bed). Really I am hoping to see his name on my phone...a message saying I'm on my way home. Or even a message saying, no I'm staying here. It's the not knowing that is making it so hard for me. Does he want me, or not? 
I didn't yet write my letter to him. I didn't want to get it out of the way, not yet. But the hurt came back so strongly this morning, that I almost did try to contact him. So I came here, to this site. And right now I'm fighting the urge to pick up my phone and continue calling him till he is forced to answer. I check online over and over hoping he will be there...I saw his sister the other day. She said he has been in contact with them. No, he didn't tell them what was going on between us, only that he got his new phone in the mail. Wonderful. Now I know he's able to talk to me, just choosing not to. Also, they were expecting me to spill the beans about why I was suddenly single on Facebook. Why didn't he just tell them?? They are his family!! Okay, now I'm just venting. But I need to do that. Here. If not here I might lose control of myself and vent to him. Not something I want to do.
I told him, on Thursday, that if he wanted to be with me, and be apart of this family, he needs to drop school and come home. I can't learn to trust him if he is 4 hours away from me. And trust was the only thing we were going on. I trusted in his love. I trusted that he was being honest with me, whenever he said that he loved me. Now that trust is gone. So I'm left feeling like his love is gone...yet mine's still here. He said, he doesn't feel like living. That the guilt is all he can feel. 
I wrote him a love note the day he left for the school. I told him in it how much I loved him, how much I was going to miss him. And how proud I was of him for being the person he was. I hid it in the pocket of his favorite jacket, and packed it away, knowing that when he found it, it would make him smile. He told me about the day after he cheated on me. He said he only felt the guilt. It was overwhelming him. So he put on that jacket and went for a walk. He walked and thought about how horrible of a person he was, and how badly he regretted doing what he did. He sat down, put his hands in his pockets, and found that note. I stopped him there before he told me how it made him feel.
I wrote that love note. I did it to make him smile. That is the kind of love I have for him. Had. He says it was exactly what he needed to read, to understand just how much I love him.
My love, was never in question. Even without that stupid note, I did everything I could to make him happy. My love, was so true. How does he show his love?  He tells me the sweetest, most wonderful things, that really do make my heart swell. He tells me, just how deep his love is, and will be in the future. He talks, and talks. He says words, over and over again. Beautiful words. That I use to believe, without doubt. But these, are just words. I love reading, and so words are very special to me. But this is reality. This isn't just some story that I'm suppose to believe in, and hope will someday come true. His love, is just words. Blah. Blah blah blah. There's nothing in words...not really. It's through the actions, and behaviors that follow the words that make them actually mean anything. It's following through on the blah blah, making everything said become real. 
The only way he's ever going to get me to believe in him again, and learn to trust him again, is by stopping the sweet talk. Stop just saying whatever you think I need to hear, it's not going to work. There needs to be action. There needs to be BIG action. He needs to do something that will make my heart swell the way it did before he hurt me. He needs to come home. He needs to leave school, for the semester, and be here to work on gaining back my trust. That's all. All he needs to do, is be here. Why is that so much to ask? He hurt me so badly... and all I'm asking from him is to take the time, to gain back my forgiveness. 
He says, I'm asking him to give up on his future. No. I'm begging him not to give up on his future with me, and our baby. School, will always be there. We're both Native American, we get scholarships where ever we chose to go. His future, is not going to be destroyed because he takes one semester off. Already I planned on taking a semester off to be there for our child for the first few months of her life. But he can't take a semester off to ensure he will get to even be apart of this family? What he will be destroying, is his place in our family. He's destroying his chances of getting to be there, for every important moment in our daughters life. Her first day home, her first steps, the day she gets big enough to climb out of her crib, the first day of school, prom, everything. He'll be there, in the background, cheering her on. But he's never going to get that family feeling of it. He's an outsider. So...I've written a lot. I don't feel like calling him anymore, which is what I had hoped writing here would accomplish. But now I need to get my butt out of bed, and go do something. 

Day one of no contact

So today was the very first day I did not text or call my ex-boyfriend. My God it was difficult!!! I'm so desperate to get him back, despite the fact that he is the one who did wrong, that really this was a huge deal for me. I'm actually feeling proud of myself! 
I can't help wondering if he is missing me, if he's worried about me. But he didn't contact me either, so my guess is probably not. He's not the type to sit around moping, that's for sure. But it's natural for me to want that. That's the whole point really...if he misses me, that's a sign that he really truly loves me. That him cheating, was a mistake, that he wants to fix. So far, there have been no signs. He called to apologize yes, but that's been it. A call, just one. A few facebook messages saying I'm sorry, but when I say a few, I mean literally FEW. 
It's not my job to make this relationship work. Not alone anyway. It is suppose to be our job together. But if he's not willing to communicate, then what? I guess what I just can't understand, is why, if he said he wants us to be together, he is so unwilling to even talk to me. Sure the ultimatum I gave him, in order to win me back is life changing, but so is what he did. Cheating on me, changed me. I've never been this heart broken, that changes a person. Deciding to trust him again, is going to take more than just an apology. 
So here I sit, waiting for him to decide to love me-or not. I want his love so badly. So badly that I'm willing to just give up on being strong, and give in to him. But these are just thoughts when I'm letting my heart take over. Lol. And it takes over quite a bit. When I let my heart take over, that is when I turn to my phone. That is when I write out long, loving messages, hoping he will just answer with a "hey". I can't lead with my heart anymore. He's ruined that for me, and himself. Now there has to be balance. Logical thinking, with the emotional. Yes, I love him and want him back, but at the same time I need to have respect. I need to have a reason to trust him. 
I'm going to stay away from my phone for the rest of the night, actually I'll probably head off to sleep here soon. Tomorrow, I will once again not text him. I will however, answer if he contacts me. Tomorrow is the "last day" he has to decide if he wants to earn my trust back, or not. If he comes home tomorrow, or sends word that he will be home soon, then that means he's chosen me. If not, then I'll be on here much more often, probably dealing with sadness even more than I am right now. Lol. Oh god does that sound scary. 
I also need a goal, besides not contacting him, as I said in my last blog entry, every day I'd have to make a goal for myself, in hopes that it will lead to less heartache. I'll say, that I'll write him a letter-doesn't mean I'll ever give it to him, but a letter that explains how he's made me feel. How he's hurt me. I hope it helps. 

Beginning

I've never written a blog. I've always been a writer, since I'm so shy in person that I don't feel comfortable saying anything I'm feeling. But a blog is new for me. Online is scary. Anyone whose anyone could read this, but I have no where else to turn. I have so much in me to say, so much that I need someone to hear, so here I am. The man I love has left me, and I am alone. Alone and feeling nothing but pain.
But this is the beginning. It's my time now, to get up out of my tear soaked bed, and face this pain. I'm done repeating my story over and over again in my head, trying to make sense of it. Yes, he hurt me. And yes, I'm still feeling the crush of losing a life that was promised to be complete, and happy. But, what can I do? 
I've called, and texted this man for 5 days. Begging him to be with me, and accept my love. Today I am turning off my phone. This is the beginning of me being stronger. 
I've read story after story of women and men, learning to become a better stronger person, despite dealing with the loss of a true love. If they can do it, well then so can I. I'm going to, day after day, give myself a goal. Something I should do, to help me ease the pain I'm feeling inside...even just a little. Today it is turning off my phone-not texting or calling him to come home. I can't begin to tell you how hard this will be for me. Especially, if he tries to contact me, which he hasn't yet done so seems to be unlikely. Still, I miss him. And I want more than anything, just to hear his voice. Hearing his voice wont ease my pain. It will only make it harder for me to get over this pain. 
I'm not saying I hope to not love him. At the moment that idea seems so unreal, but I do intend to better myself. I can love him, miss him and maybe not feel so much pain. I don't know if the love feelings will ever disappear. But that's for the future me to deal with. Right now, I need to try and just feel a little bit better. 
I'll let you know if I can make it through the day without trying to contact him. Wish me luck!

1-18 of 18 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Whoops!!, posted November 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Guess Who, posted November 25th, 2012, 1 comment
Being Busy, posted November 6th, 2012
True Change, posted October 20th, 2012
Back and Forth, posted October 18th, 2012
27 Weeks, posted October 15th, 2012
The Baby, posted October 12th, 2012
Just Friends?, posted October 10th, 2012
Adele, posted October 8th, 2012
New Room New Feelings, posted October 7th, 2012, 1 comment
Not So Fast, posted October 7th, 2012
Looking to tomorrow, posted September 29th, 2012
Change, posted September 28th, 2012
He's mad., posted September 24th, 2012
Night is long, posted September 23rd, 2012, 3 comments
Harder and harder..., posted September 23rd, 2012
Day one of no contact, posted September 22nd, 2012, 1 comment
Beginning, posted September 22nd, 2012

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